soft hands.

dormant

2005-01-29T21:24:50Z

i think i'll be moving on back to my original place at blogspot. livejournal more often than not just makes my blood boil. this account'll stay open for lj commenty purposes, but no updating. at least until i change my mind. again.

lupe_velez @ 2005-01-28T18:03:00

2005-01-28T23:07:32Z

I'm sick of envisioning new ways for Curt Schilling to die; the latest has me dreaming of watching him choke to death on the bloody sock while Alex Rodriguez bashes his skull into a gooey muck with his man-purse.

futility infielder has a wonderfully frustrated post up regarding the pent-up pissed-offness some of us yankee fans have about this offseason, echoing a lot of sentiments i've expressed (albeit not as well) slightly here, mostly elsewhere: "I'm especially sick of the lack of vision and imagination being shown by the front office." in. fucking. deed.

but yes, most of all:

I'm sick of temperatures in the single digits and low teens, and the increasingly graying snow still piled on New York City's curbs. I want to see players bathed in sunlight as they run around on green grass wearing their batting-practice jerseys and tossing the ball lackadaisically. I want the next three weeks before Pitchers and Catchers to pass overnight so we can get on with a baseball season that will inevitably take more twists and turns than we can possibly predict. Bring it on.

lupe_velez @ 2005-01-25T21:03:00

2005-01-26T02:13:24Z

i need this.

why i can't hate the pats (hi amy)

2005-01-25T23:45:51Z

there seems to be a lot of "i hope NE loses cause i'm tired of them winning" going around. i don't even really want to touch upon the asinine "i hope they lose so boston fans can be miserable/ you're not a yankee fan if you root for a new england team" garbage. i don't understand it. my grandpa's hate, the ire of a lifelong, heartbroken steelers fan ("it was good against evil and EVIL WON."), that i can grasp, but not identify with. instead, i admire. see, they remind me so much of this buncha guys i used to know:

...It will be difficult to recount the starting lineup. After looking it up, you'll have to report that their World Series MVP was Scott Brosius, a guy who looks like he should be fixing your computer. None of the players were the best in their position in the American League. Tino Martinez wasn't even the best Martinez (Pedro, Boston). Or the second best (that would be Edgar, Seattle). No, Timmy, that wasn't the year Reggie Jackson was on the team. And Mark McGwire played for somebody else. As did Sammy Sosa, Ken Griffey, Barry Bonds, Greg Maddux and Roger Clemens. Your best bet is to try to distract Timmy with candy. In the future, candy will be even better.

If pressed, go with the morality lecture. Though we talk about teamwork and selflessness, we don't find that stuff exciting. We prefer individual stars. The truth is, we're a Rambo culture that talks a Saving Private Ryan game. We're a republic that turns out only for presidential elections. We lured Ginger out of the Spice Girls.

We are so unaccustomed to actual team spirit that manager Joe Torre, after the Yankees won their championship on Wednesday night, awkwardly called them "a great team team." They were. Every single player contributed, big time... Batters patiently waited for hittable balls and forced pitchers deep into the count. Coaches stressed on-base percentage over home runs. Everyone played crisp, robotic defense and opportunistic offense, waiting for the other team to make a mistake. [joel stein]

uh huh, and neveryoumind the brady/jeter doppelganger weirdness.

harvey araton and brian cashman see it too:

Watching the Patriots dismantle the Steelers on Sunday night, Brian Cashman was struck by déjà vu, by the notion that he had seen this all before. And he had, except the core names were Brosius, not Bruschi; Martinez, not McGinest; O'Neill, not Andruzzi.

"Absolutely," said Cashman, the Yankees' general manager, when asked yesterday if Bill Belichick's Patriots reminded him of Joe Torre's Yankees, circa 1996-2001. "I was thinking exactly that watching the game last night, how much the Patriots remind me of us. They obviously have a lot of talent, but most of their players would not be considered the best at their positions. They're an efficient machine, and they win with a tremendous amount of preparation and discipline that comes from the top."

Those Yankees had the composed button pressing of Torre. These Patriots have the calculating brainpower of Belichick. Continuing on this theme, we played a brief game of word association. I said, "Tom Brady." Cashman, without hesitation, said, "Derek Jeter."

if i kill you now, well.. they'll never know.

2005-01-22T04:58:02Z

SUCKERS!

lupica lite

2005-01-13T05:21:14Z

dear ian o'connor:

about new york fans. you can insinuate that we're arrogant, overbearing, any number of endearing terms you and the rest of your bitter, condescending tribe like to throw around, but one thing we are not is stupid.

Randy Johnson does not want to be here, never make any mistake about that. He has no love for the Yankees, Yankee tradition, Yankee Stadium, or anything else Yankee that counted for every ounce of Derek Jeter's singular backyard dream.

He does not embrace you, Yankee fans, or anything else about your pastime loyalties. Johnson comes to the Bronx as a fireballing mercenary with a heart as stone-cold as Roger Clemens'.

we have eyes. we are literate. some of us even grasp the ridiculous notion that not everyone on god's green earth grew up wanting to wear pinstripes, or that not everyone is as cuddly and yankeefied as our winsome cap'n, or that this beautiful game is clouded by greed. some of us are having a tremendously difficult time accepting this acquisition. some of us even have long memories, waaaay back even before the popular myth that the yankees hatched perfectly formed in 1998 and promptly went raping your mommas and pillaging your villages, and this newest yankee was the cause of some of our most crushing pain.

but we will get over it, sort of, much as we got over clemens (incredible, i know, but some of us saw through him, too). why? "i just want to win so bad. that's all i've ever wanted to do." because he's here now, and he's hungry, same as i am. it's a marriage of convenience. we don't need to love each other.

Now Cashman employs two brooding loners in Brown and Johnson, an honorary member of the same club in Mike Mussina

yes, this is the part where i tell you to go fuck yourself, you clueless cocksucking mick motherfucker, for making a wholly unnecessary assertion about a veteran member of his new team, which i'm sure is the reaction you were hoping for all along. congratulations.

love,
jennifer

lupe_velez @ 2005-01-12T19:44:00

2005-01-13T00:55:46Z

ha! i was just looking through the yankees mlb archives and found my birthday gift (scroll down to july 6th) from moose, my favorite mister almost!

aw spring, hurry up.

oh and

2005-01-12T06:58:03Z

i learned of tino's return new year's eve, whilst in an irish bar in honolulu: i was sitting there, just TRYING to enjoy my beer and sportscenter on mute while some drunk fool mumbled in my ear, something about "where are you from and why aren't you married," and "i'm not hitting on you, i'm just a lover of people," when in one joyous instant, the bartender descended like an avenger from the sweet baby jesus to rid me of my stalker AND sportscenter silently informed me that constantino martinez was returning to the bronx. i nearly knocked over my beer, fell off the barstool, and blinded the barkeep with my beatific glow.

so a fond, if belated, welcome home to the best ass in baseball.

lupe_velez @ 2005-01-12T00:43:00

2005-01-12T06:11:00Z

TALK TO THE HAND, CAUSE RJ AIN'T LISTENIN:

oh, the press conference? i'm glad he made zero attempt to disguise his mercenary intentions, unlike everso many others who have passed under the joe d sign.

somewhere inbetween all the apologizing and arizona damage control, his voice broke a little with earnest emotion:

``I just want to win so bad. That's all I've ever wanted to do,'' he said.

and with that i decided i am prepared to attempt the journey from irrational horrorshow skin-crawly animosity now reserved only for cal ripken to a benevolent love bestowed purely and SOLELY upon his pitching arm heretofore reserved only for roger clemens:

Randy Johnson doesn't laugh very often, and even when he does, he lasers in with those cold, small eyes that suggest there's a fierce temper bubbling close to the surface. The Big Unit apologized several times for shoving a cameraman in Manhattan on Monday, and while he sounded contrite and sincere, the Yankees should make sure Johnson stays in touch with his most precious gift, that inner rage.

...The Big Unit can be remembered for a lot of things - but not for his graciousness or long, thoughtful answers. The Yankees have Mike Mussina to act as the clubhouse intellectual. They have Joe Torre as the billboard of professionalism. They have Derek Jeter as a marketing weapon. Johnson is here for his fastball, and only that.

If the Yankees are smart, they've already sent Johnson back home to Arizona to prepare for spring training. There, he'll lock himself in the gym and hone those precious weapons.

His arm, which generates record-breaking heat.

And his heart, which is pure ice. [bergen record]

lupe_velez @ 2005-01-11T23:36:00

2005-01-12T04:40:22Z

i heart david letterman: "beltran's got a great deal with the mets: $119 million for seven years, AND octobers off!"

here comes your man

2005-01-10T12:42:23Z

let the backlash begin!

While the Mets' signing of Carlos Beltran to a seven-year, $119 million contract may not in the end prove wise, you have to give the Mets credit for getting their man. They certainly weren't the only team willing to pay Beltran $100 million, and once they had determined what he was worth to them, they went after him ferociously. Mets management and ownership deserve praise for that.

Following through on a decision doesn't necessarily mean it was a good one, though. It's far too early to tell whether Beltran's contract was a mistake, but there are some real reasons to think that it is.

Foremost among these is that Beltran has never been a truly great player. His hitting statistics are not those of a superstar, and put in the proper context, they're less impressive than they seem. For most of his career Beltran played his home games in Kansas City's Kauffman Stadium at a time when it inflated offense more than any other park in the American League. (In 2002, for instance, it increased run scoring by 17% as compared to an average park.) Despite that, Beltran's career on-base average is .353, and has never risen above .389. His career slugging average is .490, though he has slugged above .500 the last four years. [new york sun]

in a way i feel badly for him. a few months of being stuck watching steve trachsel pitch every five days oughta be enough to drive anyone crazy.

you'd need a golden calculator to divide the time it took to look inside and realize

2005-01-09T12:55:02Z

...one day last week, Ruben Sierra and Beltran went to dinner with their respective families in San Juan, at which point it appeared certain Beltran would reject the Mets and Cubs.

According to a mutual friend, Sierra told Beltran, "I don't know about you, but it's more important for me to be happy than to make the most money."

Sierra was talking about the one-year $1.5 million deal he was about to sign with the Yankees, rejecting the Orioles' offer that promised nearly twice that amount, and a second guaranteed year.

Sierra went on to explain the virtues of winning, and how, as he put it, "the Yankees make me feel me wanted."

Beltran didn't just listen politely, he absorbed the unspoken advice Sierra was offering, adding it into a growing number of reasons to remain with the Astros.

...A mutual friend of the two players said Sierra all but challenged Beltran to explain why he'd even consider the Mets or the Cubs.

"It's all about winning," the friend said, repeating Sierra's words. "The last thing I want to do is go to Baltimore and spend the rest of year reading about how great the Yankees are doing. That's not for me." [bergen record]

thanks rube, for whatever it's worth.

now arod should call him and give him a little lesson on the foolishness self-imposed exile to the baseball hinterlands.

lupe_velez @ 2005-01-09T00:23:00

2005-01-09T05:32:54Z

reel carlito in already! or don't! dang!

lupe_velez @ 2005-01-08T18:44:00

2005-01-08T23:53:05Z

HEY JUNE: "The Devil Rays signed infielder Alex Gonzalez to a one-year deal on Wednesday with the intention of playing him at third base this season."

i know he ceased to be a hated cub when they got nomar in their clutches, but now it's like you're extra free to love him!

juney, get out of my brain

2004-12-27T14:58:06Z

during the usual morning rounds i read this christopher derosa book review at bronx banter and was so delighted, made a mental note to repost it here. a blog or two later, i saw miss june had the same idea. :D

Allen Barra, Brushbacks and Knockdowns: The Greatest Baseball Debates of Two Centuries (2004)

Purchased for one chapter in which Barra takes aim at baseball’s big lie (that the Yankees have ruined the sport). A few writers have questioned this dogma – once apiece, for variety’s sake. There are some bloggers who see it my way, but Barra is, I believe, the only professional sportswriter to advocate my position on this consistently, and who really understands what a drag the big lie really is:

…you read about a Kansas City Royals fan in a restaurant yelling at Derek Jeter “You’re what’s wrong with baseball!” Derek Jeter is what’s wrong with baseball? That’s enough to make any reasonable person hop on a plane to Kansas City, find that guy, grab him by the collar and yell something like “You ungrateful jerk, you ought to feel privileged to be able to buy a ticket and see him play!”

[this chapter is] first about how the press bought into the line put out by Bud Selig in preparation for … negotiation with the players, and second, how the perception of Yankee dominance that resulted from that propaganda has unfairly tainted perhaps the greatest run of clutch play in baseball history.

Barra then goes on to detail all the “gutsy calls, clutch plays, and thrilling endings” against tough opponents that went into the Yankees’ odds-defying string of championships, and says, in response to the big lie:

… those of us who followed those seasons carefully and now remember them vividly will always know different…. [The Yankees] gave baseball a legacy of heart, grit, and professionalism that baseball could have pointed to with pride, much as the NBA did with the Michael Jordan-era Chicago Bulls.

Exactly – what should have been celebrated and has to be respected was instead shat upon by envious fans and their various enablers.

warning: no baseball content whatsoever

2004-12-27T14:26:53Z

but i'm so excited i have to tell everyone:

three o'clock christmas morning, fast asleep. no, wait. everso rudely awoken by my brother in the next room, screaming obscenities at his ex/not-ex (who is as psychotic as she is beautiful) on the phone. i fumble out of bed, get decent, and sleepily picture myself ripping the phone from his hands, telling her to stay away from him or i'm going to break her fucking kneecaps, and hurling said phone out the window. but by the time i pull some clothes on he's off the phone and down the stairs relating the latest to my parents. at the top of his lungs. so i stumble down the stairs to join in the fun and mumble something about waking me up and you need to break up with her. he says we ARE broken up, and i says you KNOW what i meant. i rub my eyes and i swear i hear him say something about hawaii, and i'm still on my anti-her roll and am all i TOLD you it was a bad idea to take her, and he's all NO, i'm asking you if YOU want to go. so i ask when, and he says the 30th through the 5th, and i say yeah yeah, okay and wander back up to bed.

so christmas morning he's on the phone with travelocity trying to change her ticket to my name and add one on for my baby brother. the place is being bitchy and he's in a bad mood, again, because he has to call delta now, and something dawns on me, and i'm all, when is this trip again? and he says thursday. THURSDAY.

i am wiiiiiiide awake now and going to hawaii thursday and have no idea where any of my warm-weather clothes are and no fucking way am i wearing a bathing suit i don't care if it's hawaii and god i haven't been on a plane since i was 16 and i can't find my fucking laptop charger thing and i have to talk to my boss about carrying over those personal days so i can save precious vacation days and my ipod is broken and i wonder if we can track down austen because i miss him and where am i going to get 1657897687687 spf sunscreen in new jersey in fucking december?

i'm kinda internally flipping out in an un-me worrywart feminine fashion and yet, who cares? i'm going away! i'll probably end up taking five days worth of clean underwear, a new ipod, and fuck the rest, i'll worry about it when i get there. hawaii hawaii hawaii!

lupe_velez @ 2004-12-25T23:46:00

2004-12-26T04:58:24Z

god, i'm gonna miss el duque something awful.

lupe_velez @ 2004-12-24T19:18:00

2004-12-25T00:26:30Z

i'm watching andy pettitte pitch in the '96 home opener and marvelling at all the scattered empty field box seats in the stadium. hmph.

oh andy. you and your big-bootied pigeon-toed self.

the pitcher puts religion first and rests on holidays

2004-12-22T03:27:47Z

i wasn't a fan of the trade for you know who to begin with, and at this point i don't give a shit whether it goes down or not, but the dodger organization sure looks like a bunch of shady bitches right about now:

The Los Angeles Dodgers right now are as messy as a department store shelf after a full day of Christmas shopping. And the looming question is, by the time they finish cleaning it up and putting together their 2005 team, will owner Frank McCourt and his general manager, Paul DePodesta, have any credibility left?
Advertisement

If there is some sort of grand vision, it is not evident.

If there is a general direction, it is not discernible. [cbs sportsline]

quoth randy levine:

"The Dodgers reneged on the deal that was agreed to last Friday, unequivocally and with no contingencies except for a window for contract extensions and physicals... For some reason, the Dodgers over the weekend started to backpedal. Why they would break their word is only something they can answer. It sure is disappointing, and we'll have to think long and hard before ever doing business with the Dodgers again." [espn]

lupe_velez @ 2004-12-19T13:17:00

2004-12-19T18:20:12Z

The Diamond Dude by Ogden Nash

In the life of this dandiest of shortstops
Fashion starts the moment sports stops.
Since he works for the Newark American Shop
Of which Mac Stresin is the Prop,
The wardrobe acquired by Phil Rizzuto
Is as tasty as melon and prosciutto.
Thirty-five suits and twenty-odd jackets
Proclaim he's a man in the upper brackets.
There are fifteen overcoats hung in line,
And twenty-five pairs of shoes to shine,
And as for shirts and ties and socks,
Philip has more than Maine has rocks.
The suits are neat and unostentatious,
But as for sports clothes, goodness gracious!
No similar sight is to be had
This side of Gary Crosby's dad.
Does this make Mrs. Rizzuto ecstatic?
No. She has to hang her clothes in the attic.

lupe_velez @ 2004-12-19T10:33:00

2004-12-19T15:43:32Z

"I'm not the best player, but there are intangibles I bring to the clubhouse and to a team that are just as important as the stats on my baseball card." [kevin millar]

i know he just did NOT let the word "intangibles" cross his cretinous lips.

THERE IS ONLY ONE ~~POSESSOR~~ POSSESSOR OF INTANGIBLES IN THE AL EAST, SIR!

lupe_velez @ 2004-12-18T20:52:00

2004-12-19T02:04:41Z

THE CHEESE STANDS ALONE

first ~~skeletor~~ huddy, then ~~kleenex box head~~ mulder. poor little barry.

"I told [mulder] I'm going to rake him when I face him,'' Hudson said with a laugh. "We already have a bet about which of us hits the first home run.'' [sf chronicle]

the idea of either of them batting at all, much less one facing the other, tickles me senseless. guess i'll have to start following those huckleberries in the national league after all.

BREAKING NEWS

2004-12-18T20:12:48Z

God To Professional Athletes: ‘Please Stop Pointing At Me’

HEAVEN--In an unusual and unprecedented move, God, Creator of the Universe, publicly demanded that professional athletes stop pointing at him when they score a touchdown, hit a home run, dunk a basketball, or perform other athletic feats. God explained that pointing is rude and that a deity like himself deserves better treatment. “Please, please stop pointing at me,” God said. “Do you know how rude that is? Jesus, every time someone does something on the field they have to stop and stick their little fingers in my face. It’s nice that you're thinking of me, but I honestly couldn’t care less what you do on the field of play. Unlike your average sports fan, I’m not that easy to impress.” [the brushback]

roofle

2004-12-18T14:56:11Z

found in the comments section of an rj-ish bronx banter post:

If Johnson does join the Yanks, I hope they give him #36, as a favor to all those people whose navy Nick Johnson t-shirts are growing stale in drawer bottoms throughout the tri-state area.
Posted by Murray at December 17, 2004 01:40 PM

so. welcome, randy? mazel tov? i guess? if i sound unenthused, that's because i am.

fret not, big member, o mulletted one. i'll come around.

in other news, i forgot how much i fucking love this song.

lupe_velez @ 2004-12-17T13:00:00

2004-12-17T18:17:23Z

i'm sure everyone's heard the latest rj conjecture. my feelings on his acquisition are essentially the same as they were in july. as it stands, if it goes down, i will vomit up my intestines, go into a weekend long coma, and when i wake up, root for whoever's in pinstripes.